Oh dear, I’ve already made myself deaf of that boring repertoire of lies and alibis… some very special people have taught me to master the art of listening to (and even understanding) excuses.
Blame the people in my past for my trust issues. Blame me for my naivety then. Blame me for loving people too much… and for expecting, at least, some honesty from them.
But, I won’t allow myself to fall into the same trap again. You’re in my life because I choose to keep you… whether you exist as a friend, a special one, or an extra-special one, I choose to welcome you into my life.
And if you choose to pay me back with dishonesty… and stupid lines from old scripts, then it’s over. Friendship over. Relationshit (yes, you read it perfectly) over.
It’s okay not to be okay. It’s just fine to be in pain.
Those were the thoughts that gave me the reason to look at the sunny side of life despite the ache I was going through. Surely, there were more than a hundred and thousands of souls grieving in all corners of this seemingly unfair and lonely world; some mourning for the loss of their loved ones, while others are feeling nostalgic of the bygone moments that will never ever come back or, at least, be duplicated…
Still, I can’t help myself from thinking and feeling miserable. After all, no two heartaches are the same just as every grieving soul is inimitable.
And when the pain has taken its toil on me, I’ve become the most selfish version of my being, thinking only of my plight and the reasons why this was happening to me. And it wasn’t good for me… and for the people around me especially those whom I love.
First, let me start with the root of all these.
At the end of the year in 2015, I lost someone I hold so dear. Let me not go into details of why and how I lost the person instead let me just take you to how this loss has made me the person I am today. Well to clear things up and to begin with, I really didn’t know the reason why [nor was never brave enough to find out why]. What I know was how it ended in a simple conversation that I myself have daringly initiated because I thought it was the best thing to do – letting go of someone who matters to me because that person has to enjoy life without me. It pained me a lot… really.
I sure did know I went to the process of bargaining and denial and anger but it’s normal, they said. But it was the final part (if it really it is) that has almost lost the most special person I’ve been in a relationship with for almost 32 years – and that’s Me [capitalization is ego-boosting].
Yes, it would be unfair for some significant others for me to talk that I’ve been all alone in this process because in the course of this not-so-happy chapter, I’ve got my workmates and my closest friends and my family who never did fail to give me a push [and sometimes a kick] to go and continue being the person I am supposed to be – outgoing, radiating with optimism and glee, a spirited breathing soul.
I am and should always be thankful of having such people around me during those times that I could only see myself and my pain. They’ve always been a gentle reminder of how beautiful life is – being around with people like them who do not only choose and understand me but also grieve with me in the process. Life has become more priceless and meaningful because of them.
But then again, these inspiring realities do not come in so easily and are oftentimes unheeded whenever I am overwhelmed with self-pity and that endless feeling of rejection… At the end of the day, when my friends are back with their own personal lives, I find myself miserly optimistic, blinded by my own suffering, suffocated by lack of self-worth and acceptance. It is slowly killing me.
I thought it was just normal to be depressed. The histrionic me says, “Congratulations! You belong to the ???% of this world’s population, blah blah blah”. The pathetic persona in me says, “You’ll be gone crazy soon, asshole!” and the blissful side of me has to say, “You’ll be alright! This too shall pass!”
Believe me, it’s not okay to be in the process of getting out of this shattering experience. For no matter how hard I would try to convince myself that I am tough and would get through with all these victorious, it seems that I’m losing this personal battle against me and my anxieties. So I had to seek for professional help.
I had to see an expert to help me fully understand my predicament and to finally put end to this insalubrious condition. I cannot allow myself to continue squandering my late night and early morning rest for thinking of the how’s and why’s… I cannot continue to take my meals late or worst skip on them because it isn’t wise and healthy. I cannot continue to be in a limbo of normalcy and downheartedness forever. I cannot go on stressing myself of the thoughts that would only pin me down to my grave. I cannot allow myself to continue grieving and holding on to that pain of losing someone who is perfectly well and contented of letting me go. Yes I am grieving and I thank God that I could still think of these startling realizations.
Yes, I am strong and it takes a lot of strength and courage for me to accept that I can be at my weakest, too… and that I needed help.
Yes, I am strong… But I am tired, so I had to see a psychologist!
I’ll be sharing with you some of my amazing realizations in this journey in my future posts.