I am saving myself!

“Yes, I am letting go of the feeling that made me believe gay life is all but rainbows and butterflies!”

I am always afraid of how would people react if I blog openly about my homosexual thoughts. There is this feeling of apprehension that I would be looked down and ‘queeriously’ regarded. However, I have to be true and straightforward… this is my blog and if there would be somebody to whom I should be honest with, first and foremost I should be genuine to myself.

I don’t have to explain my side to everyone. I am gay… and proud of being one!

This chronicles is not about being gay… this is about me and the things I haven’t said or the stuff I do not want to discuss with everyone or just anyone. This blog speaks of anything about the unsaid piece of my being; thus, the blog’s name: Chronicles of the Unsaid.

I blog because this makes me happy… Yes, I have the intention of blogging for others! I wish I could inspire the blog wanderers who have accidentally or intentionally visit my site. I wish I could acquire a virtual connection from among those who took time or squandered their time reading my posts. I want to gain friends online and eventually have some real friends. I know this kind of story isn’t impossible. I have read some posts narrating how bloggers find true friends and buddies online.

I want to blog because this makes me happy… and through this, I hope I could carve a smile to my blog visitors, too.

But this time, I want to be selfish. I want to blog about me. I want to blog for myself solely.

If you are reading this post, stop here…. Don’t read the post beyond this line
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Young as I was during my elementary years, I never doubted myself that I am gay! I even had a crush on my grade one classmate. I found him very charming. People around me, especially my parents and my relatives obviously noted I was ‘different’ and behaving ‘oddly’.

I don’t think I was odd before. I don’t even think I was abnormal nor exhibiting subnormal behaviors. But others tend to incise into my thoughts that my being gay is wrong. I’ve been bullied until high school just because I acted feminine or assumed I was ladylike. My very masculine relatives had even warned me of not pursuing my inclination towards being a full-fledge gay. They wanted me to ‘spew out the stone Darna [a Filipino heroine; counterpart of Wonderwoman] swallowed’. They even warned me of being hanged up on a tree or be whiplashed by a lingatong (a poisonous plant). Maybe they were just kidding, but it surely frightened me.

No, I am not drag and never was a cross-dresser! I am out and everyone knows I am gay! But I am trying to be subtle in my affairs not because my profession requires me to live up with people’s expectation but mainly because I am gay in my own way.
I scream and boisterously laugh… I cried whenever I watch a very touching movie… and I care less if people see me laughing my heart out or pouring out the most poignant emotions in me. Neither have I cared if people would be saying that I am emotionally premature despite being 26 (I’ll be 27 this August).

I want to be true. Yes, I tried wearing masks several times to hide me and to make people feel I am just alright. But, I cannot fool me!

Just a week ago, I made one of the hardest decisions in my life. It was so hard that it caused me to break apart. I dared not to keep it to myself alone for it is already unbearable. I sought for friendly words and comforting hugs and taps from people I love. I am thankful, they didn’t fail me… Inspiring sms and phone calls brighten me up, somehow.

I tried to be reserved in expressing my grief. I have sought for diversions… get boozed, hoping to have a good night’s rest… involved myself into activities that inspired others (but not me)…

But I really cannot hide the pain. I dared to appear miserable even in Facebook, as reflected in my status and wall posts. I am thankful there are those who bothered to cheer me up.

Yes, I am letting go of the feeling that made me believe gay life is all but rainbows and butterflies!
I am in the process of saving my self.

I have been down for the past two weeks… cried a lot. I’ve been into the worst slope of my journey where I felt pity for myself. I felt I’ve been rejected… trashed.

I was almost shattered.

Yes, I am broken but not totally crushed that’s why I am saving myself.

I am saving myself because if there would be someone to love me, more than anyone else, it should be me.

I am saving myself because I love the person who gives up on me… I am trying to understand why he has decided to finally put closure to our special friendship that has lasted for almost five years now. I don’t want him to see me this way. I don’t want him feel sorry for me.

I am saving myself because I can’t afford to exacerbate the emotional and psychological dilemma I am currently dealing with.

I am saving myself because I’ve been bruised enough and I want to recover very soon.

I am saving myself because I don’t want to be miserable this time….

This time, I’ll make sure I have fixed the broken part in me before I let love find me again.

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Oh, by the way, have you read this far?
Thank you… I was just kidding when I said you stop reading.
Thanks for your time!

P.S.
Officially I am changing my FB relationship status as single…. I was born this way😦

8 thoughts on “I am saving myself!”

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