In fact, a mature person does not fall in love, he rises in love. The word ‘fall’ is not right. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. They cannot manage and they cannot stand – they found a woman and they are gone, they find a man and they are gone. They are always ready to fall on the ground and to creep. They don’t have the backbone, the spine; they dont have have that integrity to stand alone.
A mature person has the integrity to be alone. And when a mature person gives love, he gives without any strings attached to it; he simply gives. And when a mature person gives love, he feels grateful that you have accepted his love, and not vice versa. He does not expect you to be thankful for it – no, not at all. He does not even need your thanks. He thanks you for accepting his love. And when two mature person are in love, one the greatest paradoxes in life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena; they are together and yet tremendously alone; they are together so much that they are almost one. But their oneness does not destroy their individuality, in fact, it enhances it: they become more individual.
Two persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. How can you dominate the person you love? Just think over it. Domination is a sort of hatred, anger, enmity. How could you think of dominating a person you love? You would love to see a person totally free, independent; You will give him more individuality. That’s why I call it the greatest paradox; they are together so much that they are almost one… but still in that oneness they are individuals. Their individualities are not effaced – they have become more enhanced. The other has enriched them as far as their freedom is concerned.
Immature people falling in love destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, makes a prison. Mature persons in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence, there is ugliness.
It’s crazy how people continue to be the insensitive version of themselves, promising not to commit the same mistake, but still do. I think this supposedly ‘friendly and mutual entanglement’ is becoming a mess and irreparable [hopefully not].
Yes, people [even friends] can be so frustrating that you can only learn to accept and be plainly pragmatic. Sometimes, life sucks! Sometimes friends suck!
Then, you can choose to learn from the plight and suck the hell out of the messy, complicated life.
It’s okay not to be okay. It’s just fine to be in pain.
Those were the thoughts that gave me the reason to look at the sunny side of life despite the ache I was going through. Surely, there were more than a hundred and thousands of souls grieving in all corners of this seemingly unfair and lonely world; some mourning for the loss of their loved ones, while others are feeling nostalgic of the bygone moments that will never ever come back or, at least, be duplicated…
Still, I can’t help myself from thinking and feeling miserable. After all, no two heartaches are the same just as every grieving soul is inimitable.
And when the pain has taken its toil on me, I’ve become the most selfish version of my being, thinking only of my plight and the reasons why this was happening to me. And it wasn’t good for me… and for the people around me especially those whom I love.
First, let me start with the root of all these.
At the end of the year in 2015, I lost someone I hold so dear. Let me not go into details of why and how I lost the person instead let me just take you to how this loss has made me the person I am today. Well to clear things up and to begin with, I really didn’t know the reason why [nor was never brave enough to find out why]. What I know was how it ended in a simple conversation that I myself have daringly initiated because I thought it was the best thing to do – letting go of someone who matters to me because that person has to enjoy life without me. It pained me a lot… really.
I sure did know I went to the process of bargaining and denial and anger but it’s normal, they said. But it was the final part (if it really it is) that has almost lost the most special person I’ve been in a relationship with for almost 32 years – and that’s Me [capitalization is ego-boosting].
Yes, it would be unfair for some significant others for me to talk that I’ve been all alone in this process because in the course of this not-so-happy chapter, I’ve got my workmates and my closest friends and my family who never did fail to give me a push [and sometimes a kick] to go and continue being the person I am supposed to be – outgoing, radiating with optimism and glee, a spirited breathing soul.
I am and should always be thankful of having such people around me during those times that I could only see myself and my pain. They’ve always been a gentle reminder of how beautiful life is – being around with people like them who do not only choose and understand me but also grieve with me in the process. Life has become more priceless and meaningful because of them.
But then again, these inspiring realities do not come in so easily and are oftentimes unheeded whenever I am overwhelmed with self-pity and that endless feeling of rejection… At the end of the day, when my friends are back with their own personal lives, I find myself miserly optimistic, blinded by my own suffering, suffocated by lack of self-worth and acceptance. It is slowly killing me.
I thought it was just normal to be depressed. The histrionic me says, “Congratulations! You belong to the ???% of this world’s population, blah blah blah”. The pathetic persona in me says, “You’ll be gone crazy soon, asshole!” and the blissful side of me has to say, “You’ll be alright! This too shall pass!”
Believe me, it’s not okay to be in the process of getting out of this shattering experience. For no matter how hard I would try to convince myself that I am tough and would get through with all these victorious, it seems that I’m losing this personal battle against me and my anxieties. So I had to seek for professional help.
I had to see an expert to help me fully understand my predicament and to finally put end to this insalubrious condition. I cannot allow myself to continue squandering my late night and early morning rest for thinking of the how’s and why’s… I cannot continue to take my meals late or worst skip on them because it isn’t wise and healthy. I cannot continue to be in a limbo of normalcy and downheartedness forever. I cannot go on stressing myself of the thoughts that would only pin me down to my grave. I cannot allow myself to continue grieving and holding on to that pain of losing someone who is perfectly well and contented of letting me go. Yes I am grieving and I thank God that I could still think of these startling realizations.
Yes, I am strong and it takes a lot of strength and courage for me to accept that I can be at my weakest, too… and that I needed help.
Yes, I am strong… But I am tired, so I had to see a psychologist!
I’ll be sharing with you some of my amazing realizations in this journey in my future posts.
In the meantime, love yourself… harder!